There's this thing. This thing that happens every few months. A restless feeling sets in and I have no idea why. I'm trying to trust people, let them in, as far in as I can, anyway and I'm being more social. I'm even getting more involved. I'm the assistant stage manager of Victor/Victoria. And I found out I'm the stage manager for Incorruptible, the play whose auditions are right after Victor/Victoria ends. This is ... amazing. I want to work up my way to directing a second stage production in senior year and these are good steps. Great steps. Big steps. Big good great steps and yet - I'm restless.
Livejournal lost its luster. For now. I can't not say for now. I wish I could omit for now but unfortunately I feel there are a few guarantees in life. A few friends and I mean a very few who I can pick up months after not communicating and start confiding in them again. There are some I hesitate to because of a natural tendency to drift away. And part of that can be my pushing them away. And I feel like recognizing this is a good step.
After years of naivety on Livejournal I can't say I didn't come out unscathed. But I can't worry that instant messaging a person or E-mailing them will bother them. If they don't want to talk to me, they won't, or they'll let me know. I ask them to do that and they would. So why am I so reserved with my communication?
I still think too much. Way too much for any normal person to function. I'm getting better. But I worry about things I do. Ramifications. I have some great social skills. Except with guys. And I'm...gay, so, there's a slight problem. Right?
My mom said it best when I told her I really disliked guys in general. "Well, good luck dating men!" It was funny, we laughed, I had just come out and we had had this four hour freaking conversation. God, my mom. I love her. I don't know what I'd do without such a supportive, intelligent mother. I don't.
And I'm off topic. I digress. Again. And again I bet. Just saying.
So, to the two people on my friends list. I love you both in different ways. For some different and some similar reasons. And when I thought about it, when it came down to it, I realized that, well, you two were the two who I would miss the most if I left LJ completely. I've been on IJ since before the Summer. Before the Summer when I had a few roleplays going and a very small and guarded social life.
Now, I party. Intelligently. I hang out. I talk. A lot. I'm funny. And yes, still sarcastic. But slightly less abrasive and that's definitely a goal. Be less scathing with my remarks. I mean, that's me. My words are my weapons. It's how I was built. Or how I function. And a part of me is always going to be sarcastic, and bristly so. Bristly? Maybe...jaggedly?
There's another thing. I'd like to think I'm smart. But I don't always sound smart. Does anyone? I just, I say like or um sometimes a little too much and I get self conscious at times. I'm self conscious when I answer anything in class. Anything. When I read anything, answer it, whatever, I just do.
And I'm in theatre!
And, I'm a klutz. A big klutz. Like, I can walk into a wall. Turn a corner - and wham. There's a wall. There may not have been one before but because I'm there...there is. I'm trying to try less hard. Does that make me try harder?
I need to come out to my grandparents. When I'm home - and with them and there, face-to-face.
I like rain. Rain is amazing and romantic and looks like it would be good to be kissed in -- the rain, I mean.
I don't know where this entry is going if anywhere. But there are icons here now and there's a layout and userinfo and two friends so this may very well be the first of who knows how many entries.
It's late. And I don't know if I'm making sense. Or if I want to brave the tagging system. Because I'm not on the coherent side. If you're wondering about my default icon, though, I'm a feisty kitten. It makes a lot of sense. A lot. Well, to me. And maybe you guys. I don't know.
Where was I?
Oh. The late hour and its...lateness.
So, I'm restless. And it's late. And I may be moving to IJ. And I miss people. And I would love a someone. A significant someone. And I miss you guys. You guys are really it for my surviving online world - friend-wise, close friend-wise and just...anytime either of you --
I'm here. Always here. Call me ... even at four in the morning and I'm here. I'll listen. I may not open up. Not always. But that's my charm. I'm mysterious.
I brood.
Panic at the Disco sounds weird this early in the morning. I do hope some of this made sense. These foxes are cute - the mood ones.
worried